Is there a particular documentary film or filmmaker that had a major influence on your career?
I watch docs from across the world and am keen to follow the films that deep dive into social issues. If I wanna name a film, I would say the one and only film that I keep coming back to is “close up” by Abbas Kiarostami. The combination of documentary and fictional moments are incredibly powerful.
What motivated you to make this film?
Perhaps the best answer for this is Hossein’s statement for the film. It’s a bit long but worth sharing it:
“For a long long time, I had been looking for a film about this topic, but I never found one, especially with a male child character and especially from Iran or from my region. So, when my therapist told me that I have to talk about my experiences with my parents, I thought that if I’m going to talk about it with my parents, then I’m going to make it into a film. I had many reasons why I wanted it to be a film.
Since my childhood, I have seen a lot of human rights violations and discrimination in my society, such as gender segregation and mandatory hijab for women. I have always wondered why these violations and discrimination exist in our society. Whenever I asked about them in my family or school, I was told that those are necessary for the safety of society. Each time they gave me this answer, I wanted to say “but our society is not safe”, however I was not brave enough to talk about my experiences. So, I have been looking for a film that addresses these issues, and I have not been able to find one.
Additionally, I had seen many films, talks, conversations, and movements like MeToo that address sexual harassment and child abuse. I could see how these efforts have had a positive impact on society, such as making parents more careful with their daughters and how much it helped on the mental health of victims. Many times I wanted to engage, but I often received feedback that “You don’t understand!”. These moments were very difficult for me, and I felt even more alone. Again, I wanted to say “But I understand” however again I wasn’t brave enough to speak up. Toxic masculinity stereotypes made it very difficult for me.
I decided to make my story into a film for anyone who needs to see it to not feel alone, as I felt. And for anyone who wants to talk about these issues but are not yet ready to share their own experiences and seek a sample of that. And at the same time I wanted to challenge toxic masculinity and show how it can damage mental health. Finally, I wanted to criticise all human rights violations that are committed in the name of assuring sexual safety.”
Please tell us what camera(s) you shot with primarily – and any other special equipment that you used and why you used it:
Sony FX
Please tell us about any special styles or techniques that you used during the production of your film to help tell your story:
I’m really interested in capturing the genuine intimacy of my character’s lives.I want the audience to feel like they are living alongside these characters, not just learning about their stories from a distance. This level of realism needs sharing almost zero of the topic or story with your characters and embracing the risks of high levels of uncertainty. Additionally, it’s vital to establish a close bond between the characters, the director, the crew, and even the camera.
I tell my characters only a few words about the story. For instance, in this film I told them: “It’s about Hossein’s life. His childhood, his migrations, his memories and his relationships with you all”. They discovered the full story only after watching the completed film. This approach has risks, such as their potential dissatisfaction with the final film- which I have to resolve in other ways- but from the otherside it gives me a truly unique, intimate and very real portrait of their lives and their reactions.
To foster the relationship that I need, I dedicate several days for the characters, crew, and the camera to bond, even in a story as personal as this! Some days, our shooting is essentially about spending time together – sharing meals, conversations, and so forth. In this film, on many occasions it wasn’t only my characters who were engaging with each other, but my DOP or sound recordist were also part of their lives at that moment and they were engaging too, so that they feel they have this atmosphere that we are really a group of very close friends together.
How did your story evolve from day one, to the very last day in post? Is your story what you thought it would be?
Well, we developed the story from several different angles and it took a while crafting the final version that we felt confident in. However, even with this developed storyline there was still huge uncertainty about how the family at the heart of our story would when they know their son suffered from sexual abuse. That was the most important part of the story and had the potential to alter the entire film. And to be honest what happened in the film was something that was very unexpected for me. To create the right ending, I had to wait a few months to understand what Hossein felt about everything. Once I knew his feelings, I decided to make the ending that reflects his emotions.
Please describe the most rewarding experience you had while making this film:
The most rewarding experience for me was seeing the strong connection people had with our film and the story. It is deeply fulfilling to see how many people are eagerly waiting for a story like this to be told. I think nothing means more than hearing people say ‘thanks for talking about this’- meaning male sexual abuse. Or when they say they are surprised about how much they are uneducated about supportive survivors and after watching this doc they are going to educate themselves about it, is just so amazing.
After a very hard, long and sometimes risky journey of making a film for impact, witnessing such reaction, connections and feedback is truly heartwarming and motivating.
What advice can you give to other impact filmmakers?
Well, no advice at all. But I can share what I’ve learned. I think, in the world of impact filmmaking we often tell the stories that are very rarely talked about. Big taboos, politically sensitive topics or things people might not be ready to hear. Sometimes, it’s all of these at once. In doing this, we might get warnings or threats, from people who love us and want to protect us to dictatorship regimes who want to silence us, may give us warning, highlight the risks or threaten us. I find it very important to be prepared for this.
Before ‘CAN I HUG YOU?’ I never heard about any story on male child sexual abuse, especially in my region, even though its big issue worldwide. Now, seeing people’s reactions from all over, from Malaysia to Brazil and Mexico; From Iran and Afghanistan to the UK, Canada, and the US, and seeing the impact it’s having; I’m glad I took the risks and made this film, despite any consequences.
I knew this story needed to be shared. I believed we shouldn’t ignore this, and I’m glad I followed my gut feeling to tell this story. And this belief was the thing that kept me going and helped me not give up. And I’m sure I should listen to my gut and fight for the stories that I believe in.
What’s your favorite part about the filmmaking process and why?
All of it! From developing a story, to find ways to tell it visually compelling, to the unpredictable moments on set and editing the footage. Everything has a joy in it which is particular to that stage and the difference with other stages makes you miss the process again when you finish one film. That’s one of the reasons why despite being so fu**ing hard, I still make films. 😂😂
What’s the one item you always take with you when working out in the field and why?
My phone! In case of an emergency, if any battery dies 😂 and there’s an important moment going on, I can record video or sound of it!
Please share a personal story about your experience making this film:
Making personal docs can be quite difficult. This film is not the only personal doc that I have made, but it includes the hardest scene I’ve ever directed.
It’s where Hossein opens up to his parents for the first time. This moment was really tough for him. However, before shooting the scene Hossein asked me to not intervene in the conversation with his parents. I found it hard to just watch without helping. I even thought I’d rather not be there than be present but unable to do anything. But as the director, I had no choice but to be there, focusing on my duties behind the camera. It was a challenging balance, watching my husband go through such a difficult time and not stepping in to comfort him.
But there were also fun moments during the making of the film. Let me share one of those. I had to wear a black chador (a head-to-toe hijab) to film in a boys’ school. The chador was too short for me by about 20 cm, which gave me a very funny look. My team couldn’t stop laughing at how I looked. The boys at the school quickly realized I was not used to wearing such a hijab and was just pretending. They were excited to see a female presence in their very masculine territory and helped me and covered me to avoid getting caught by the school authorities.
Can you describe any obstacles you encountered in making your film and/or in your distribution/exhibition efforts?
The film needed to have a very high level of realism to truly connect with and impact the audience. We also needed enough time – 35 minutes – to cover all the important, rarely discussed topics we wanted to include. But apparently this level of realism and also the length turned out to be obstacles for film festivals and the streaming platforms. In recent years and especially for the shorts they often look for shorter, more genre-crossing films, which might not be the right choice when you’re focused on making an impact.
Also given the ongoing issues on the women’s rights issues in Iran and our region. Some distributors were more interested in stories about women, rather than a story that seems too male-dominated. As a female filmmaker, I believe in our fight to achieve gender equality and diversity, it is crucial to not ignore not spoken topics like male sexual abuse and to talk about issues like toxic masculinity because it helps everyone, not just men.
What do you want audiences to take away from this video?
I’m hesitant to prescribe a singular takeaway for viewers. Documentaries are sharing real events, it’s right that as filmmakers we aim to spotlight our own takeaway of that real event; but from the other side, still that real event has the power to resonate differently with each viewer. It’s exciting for me to observe how people from diverse backgrounds and geographies not only grasp my intended message but also derive their own unique takeaways.
However, I can again refer to our statement for the film. In some part of that it says:
I decided to make my story into a film for anyone who needs to see it to not feel alone, as I felt. And for anyone who wants to talk about these issues but are not yet ready to share their own experiences and seek a sample of that. And at the same time I wanted to challenge toxic masculinity and show how it can damage mental health. Finally, I wanted to criticize all human rights violations that are committed in the name of assuring sexual safety.
The paragraph includes 4 sentences and each of them is one of the very important aspects of the issue that is rooted in our personal experience and we did our best to communicate it with the audiences.
Please list key points that should be covered in a post-screening discussion:
We believe this film can spark conversations on several key topics. Here are four areas that we hope will be discussed:
1- Supporting Survivors:
We hear a lot about sexual abuse, but we rarely educate ourselves about supporting the survivors.
2- Male sexual abuse:
Unfortunately, it is a global issue, but there is a very limited support for males due to various factors. And moreover, still some people don’t believe men or their boys are in danger of being victims of such threats.
3- Toxic masculinity:
Not only affects men and their mental health but everyone. By exploring these topics, we’re contributing to a better world for women and other minority groups too. We need to show how toxic masculinity harms men themselves too and define a new, healthier identity for men that everyone can accept, replacing the old, toxic norms.
4- Women’s Rights and Sexual Safety:
The misconception that restricting women’s rights guarantees sexual safety in a society, a belief prevalent in countries like Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, etc and being taught even in schools – as you saw in the film. It’s a vital topic to discuss in that region.
A critical discussion point is that never restricting women’s rights can guarantee sexual safety, as has been advertised, taught or believed in countries like Iran or Afghanistan. While this may seem specific to the Middle East, it’s an essential topic for campaigns and discussions in that region.
Please provide information on any recent developments regarding the issue or subjects of the video. How have things changed or not changed?
Like I mentioned before, while there’s a lot of awareness about sexual abuse and the need to stop it, but there’s a significant gap in educating ourselves on how to support survivors. It’s really sad to hear from many viewers after screenings saying they also wouldn’t know what to do if their kid told them about such an experience. However, it’s encouraging that our film is making people think about it and educating themselves about it.
We really need to educate ourselves more on supporting survivors. There wasn’t much focus on this before our film, and to be honest we didn’t expect a film, especially an independent short film like ‘CAN I HUG YOU?’ with such a limited budget and distribution can make a magic and change anything largely. But we believe all these smaller effects are important and we need more and more of them, to have consistent conversation and make a big difference in a longer term.
This applies to the other topics we’ve covered as well – toxic masculinity, male sexual abuse, and the misguided belief that restricting women’s rights leads to greater sexual safety. All these issues require ongoing effort and attention.
What opportunities are available for those interested in getting further involved?
If you are asking specifically about this project, many encourage us to run an impact campaign. However, as independent filmmakers, our limited budget and time restricts such endeavors. And as Iranian filmmakers with such a project, obviously, we can’t rely on national funding for such campaigns. We are considering, as some friends have suggested, seeking impact producers and impact funding to help us run such a campaign. Our goal is to bring this story to as many as the audience, NGOs or education institutions for discussion and keep the maximum impact that is possible.
But speaking beyond this project about the topics and themes that we addressed, as previously mentioned, there seems to be a significant need for continued efforts. Attention on how to support survivors and also to share more stories about male survivors and toxic masculinity. More importantly from communities where discussing such experiences, especially by men, is highly taboo, denied or is wrongly linked to restricting women’s rights. We hope to inspire others to create similar films, increasing the visibility and accessibility of these stories.
Please provide any additional resources (websites, links to additional videos, forms, articles, etc.):
Website: https://canihugyou-film.com/
Any direct message to the filmmakers: [email protected]
Any anonymous message from this link: https://forms.gle/tVYbw1XWvi6CFaJA6
You can also be in touch with us in our social media:
Elahe: https://www.instagram.com/elaheesmaili__/
Hossein: https://www.instagram.com/hbehboudirad/
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